1,000 inspirational quotes book ($35)
“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.”
This quote would go perfect with a photo of you caught in an actual fire on trail! Just don’t get caught taking too many selfies, that fire is getting close!
A complete makeover ($10,000-1,000,000)
Are you male? Old? Are your tits small? Is your face ugly? Do you look frumpy in your hiking clothes? Don’t fret, our makeover specialist will have you looking hot in no time. Give the gift of Botox!
Stunt Double ($50,000)
Afraid of heights? Scared of snakes? With our cutting edge computer technology we’ll find you a look- a- like and throw them to the wolves, so you don’t have to!
How to Hashtag Guidebook and Tutorial ($20)
We know you’re lazy and don’t want to type out every hashtag. This book teaches you which hashtags create the most traffic using a ground breaking mathematical equation. As a bonus, it comes with an app that allows you to copy and paste different combinations without the hassle! #winning #blessed #liveauthentic
Gear made from Buddhist Monks ($1,000-10,000)
Is your tent made in China by underpaid workers? Does your shit stink? Being a “do- gooder” will help your image in no time! We’ve hired a small team of Buddhist Monks and taught them how to work with cuben fiber! For an extra fee you can hire them to hike with you and carry your gear.