February 13, 2015
The floor of the room is scattered with stickers and t-shirts printed with Green Peace logos and anti-coal sentiments next to books about God. The Green Peace boys are fed up with Invercargill, apparently people here don’t give a rats ass about the environment. From a small window I can hear the karaoke bar, it sounds like someone’s being strangled. The Green Peace boys come and go to get stoned and don’t close the door quietly. No sleep tonight.
Tomorrow I’ll cease to be a thru-hiker at Bluff. I’ll just be… who am I when I’m not thru-hiking? I slowly go insane listening to the broken record inside my head. What are you going to do with your life? You’re 30! What’s your path in life? The answers are all around you! I want to hide under the covers from people who have expectations of me, but I know that’s not an option. There are so many places to explore on foot, why should I worry about anything else?
The Green Peace boys can’t believe I’m 30 and sharing this bunk room with them. They are in their early 20’s all hopeful eyed and sarcastic. I imagine tucking them into bed like a mother would.
I get a text from my ex-boyfriend. He says he misses me and wants to see me after I finish, but he’s still talking to that girl online and says to her that “when something is so fundamentally wrong, it’s bound to fail.” He’s referring to our relationship. He’s playing both sides of the coin with me and masking the problem in proverbial sunshine with her.
My heart’s been slowly cut up into small pieces and put through a wood chipper, glued back together then chewed up again. I hear my friend telling me not to go to New Zealand, I will hide your passport. Don’t go.
But I go because I am naïve and have high hopes that it will work out. Or maybe I go because I’m drawn to tragedy- I love him even though he doesn’t love me back. But maybe this time he will.
The Green Peace boys are snickering in their beds now. “Whooee! This room stinks! Was that you Sam?” “Nah man! Open the window!”