Te Araroa: More thoughts from Invercargill

February 13, 2015

The floor of the room is scattered with stickers and t-shirts printed with Green Peace logos and anti-coal sentiments next to books about God. The Green Peace boys are fed up with Invercargill, apparently people here don’t give a rats ass about the environment. From a small window I can hear the karaoke bar, it sounds like someone’s being strangled. The Green Peace boys come and go to get stoned and don’t close the door quietly. No sleep tonight.

Tomorrow I’ll cease to be a thru-hiker at Bluff. I’ll just be… who am I when I’m not thru-hiking? I slowly go insane listening to the broken record inside my head. What are you going to do with your life? You’re 30! What’s your path in life? The answers are all around you! I want to hide under the covers from people who have expectations of me, but I know that’s not an option. There are so many places to explore on foot, why should I worry about anything else?

The Green Peace boys can’t believe I’m 30 and sharing this bunk room with them. They are in their early 20’s all hopeful eyed and sarcastic. I imagine tucking them into bed like a mother would.

I get a text from my ex-boyfriend. He says he misses me and wants to see me after I finish, but he’s still talking to that girl online and says to her that “when something is so fundamentally wrong, it’s bound to fail.” He’s referring to our relationship. He’s playing both sides of the coin with me and masking the problem in proverbial sunshine with her.

My heart’s been slowly cut up into small pieces and put through a wood chipper, glued back together then chewed up again. I hear my friend telling me not to go to New Zealand, I will hide your passport. Don’t go. 

But I go because I am naïve and have high hopes that it will work out. Or maybe I go because I’m drawn to tragedy- I love him even though he doesn’t love me back. But maybe this time he will.

The Green Peace boys are snickering in their beds now. “Whooee! This room stinks! Was that you Sam?” “Nah man! Open the window!”

Beach walk from Riverton to Invercargill
Beach walk from Riverton to Invercargill
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15 thoughts on “Te Araroa: More thoughts from Invercargill”

  1. Don’t be so hard on yourself, chance. You are your own boss and at age 30 please don’t give a rats ass about what anyone else thinks or expects you to do when you grow up. He’ll, I’m almost 60’& still not all grown up. Now cured, ppl,have questions &’expectations of what I should do. F them! Yes, I worked hard got a nursing degre and a masters degree from Michigan. But benn there, done that – with no regrets. But, I’m not going back to the career I once loved. That chapter is closed. I have a whole new idea. I can’t share it here on a public forum, but I will send you an email if you ant to know.
    I’m an old hippie, filled with wanderlust. I feel a kindred spirit with you. I don’t fit in with many women my age. But that’s what helps make the world a beautiful place. In a word: diversity. And a cup half full attitude.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are awesome. You are strong. When you least expect it, you will find someone who loves you the way you love them. It is not like a hike with a known path and a known destination – it is more like a random walk in the desert looking for water.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Why do you think I’m following you (and other hiker blogs like carrot Quinn) so much? Because you gals are living the life I wish I had. At the age of 30 I got married, and that was great of course. The pressure to have a family soon came, and a year later we had our girl. Don’t get me wron I love her to bits, but I miss my old life so bad. I was a natural born traveller, not a natural born mother. You have t follow your “urges”. I never had a strong urge to be a housewife, but I did it, and it’s not the life I was born for, but it’s me now. If your “urge” is to walk then by god just walk!! If in 10 years time your “urge” is for the usual supposed woman’s life, then that will come To you in some way too. Never too late or too early to do anything! Chin up Chance!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m with the others above, They care about you and want the best for you. I think you need to be back around your friends. I’m not going to pull out all the old life is a journey B.S. What I am going to tell you is what your going through is exactly what many of the people who care about you have and are going through. You have an inner strength and sensitivity that will carry you through. You are fortunate to be the active participant in your life. I want you to feel the positive energy I am sending. Happiness never decreases by being shared, sorrow does. Take care, Chance

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  5. You are a very passionate person. You have a burning flame within you that beckons you to explore, to love, to give all that you have. This is something you will always have – I hope. Do not confuse these incredible traits as weakness or as being attracted to tragedy. I am happy you did not listen to your friend, although I am sure they had good intentions, but we must go and find out things for ourself just as you did, and that is awesome. What happened? Growth happened. You definitely took a path less travelled and have been rewarded with so much that it may not all be evident to you right now, but I assure you, you will understand it all at some point in life.

    Fuck the noise of age. I just turned 40 a few weeks ago and left my career and everything I knew. It has been an arduous path, but isn’t everything worth doing difficult?

    “It is those who walk alone…those are the most dangerous souls to love—a risk, they are…but the experience is life changing I tell ya…” -A.D. Woods

    We are kindred spirits, Notachance, and I love you…see you on trail. Bearclaw

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey Bear Claw, I told Swami I want to be like him when I grow up…hahaha. I love my life, but it gets tough when I have to face people who don’t get it. Are they right? It’s just not for me…the rat race you know? I can’t do it and pretend to be happy. So, I’m going to live the hiking life.
      I’m glad I went to NZ, it was such a beautiful experience even with the heartbreak! And the heartbreak…it will make my joy much more intense later.

      I can’t wait to follow you up the CDT and GDT! Everybody is throwin down this year, it’s so inspiring.

      Thanks for looking out! Love you!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re getting great advice here, so I have nothing much to add. Just as you hike your own hike, you must live your own life on your own terms. I am in awe of you. Keep on truck in’!

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  7. I echo everyone’s comments. I was going to tell you exactly what Faith said- you must LYOL, just like you HYOH. Take the same attitude and try to hang with people that get that, rather than people who judge you for not meeting their expectations of you, or their expectations of what a 30 yo female should be doing. Life is an adventure and you are living it. You are awesome, Chance!

    Liked by 1 person

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